Wiseguys for Dummies:
Getting Made Without Getting Whacked

By Sammy “the Bull” and Fat Tony

So, you, like so many Americans, have fallen in love with the lifestyle portrayed in The Godfather, The Sopranos, and Donnie Brasco.  You want to know how it feels to wear a black suit, speak in hushed tones, and eat cannoli while garroting your traitorous consigliere.
Well, good news.  You don’t have to ‘fuhggitaboutit’, because we’re here to help you get made!   Thanks to the good people in the Federal Witness Relocation Program, we’ve been provided with the means to self-publish our “guidebook for goodfellas”, as it were.
We hope you’ll consider ordering our book online at “wegotgotti.com”.

To whet your appetite, here are some excerpts from selected chapters.  We think you’ll find it to be an offer you can’t…well, you know.

Chapter 1:  What’s in a Name?

You’ll notice from the byline on our book that we’ve got rather imposing names.  This is good. Often, when you are brought into a ‘family’ (see glossary), you’ll be given a nickname.  Usually, it will be one that describes your physique, your character, or endows you with animal-like qualities.  If you have the option of picking your own nickname, or want to get a leg up by having a reputation prior to initiation, here are some suggestions for nicknames to consider, as well as ones to avoid:

Of course, choosing a nickname is child’s play. You also gotta have a convincing surname and given name to pass for paisan.

Contrary to popular opinion, it isn’t simply a matter of birthright or an issue of ethnicity.  The important thing is, you gotta have a name that sounds like you might be capable of getting into trouble.  And we ain’t talking about a misdemeanor.

Try this.  Practice walking into a dark, empty room and saying your name, as if introducing yourself to the Don of a rival family.  Can you imagine his men snickering as the words roll off your tongue?  You might be due for a legal name change before hitting the streets.  Don’t worry, it’s very doable.  We can even set you up for a small fee.

Chapter 2: What’s Hot, What’s Not…
Nothing will give you away as a wiseguy wannabe more quickly than being on the wrong side of the culture warp during small talk with a circle of button men.   “Businessmen”, as we like to call ourselves, are never too busy to have our finger on the pulse of the finer things in life, from music and restaurants to the fine arts.  Here is another ’hit list’ for you to assure your tastes don’t sleep with the fishes:
 

What’s Hot………………………………..What’s Not
Law and Order                                         Veronica’s Closet
The Three Tenors                                    Dixie Chicks
Deniro, Pacino, and Keitel                       Crosby, Stills, and Nash
Fratteli de Napoli                                     The Olive Garden
Verdi’s Aida                                             Disney’s Aida

Tony’s Tips:  Speaking Frankly
In the pantheon of pop culture, there is only one name that which is sacred to us wiseguys.  Francis Albert Sinatra was and is the greatest entertainer since I don’t know when.  It would serve you well to know most of his hits, own at least a few of his albums, and always, always remove your hat when his name is mentioned.  Capiche?

Suggested Listening: Only the Lonely, Songs for Young Lovers, September of My Years
Must to Avoid: Duets 2
 

Chapter 3: The Way You Wear Your Hat
If you’re gonna be a gangster, you gotta spend some money.  No one’s gonna take you seriously if you’re buying off the rack.  Find a good tailor, and ask ‘em to help you select the dark colors that best compliment your features.  Keep in mind, you’re more interested in matching your complexion and your hair than, say, your eyes.  Mobsters who wear powder blue to offset their baby-blues rarely get made, and often get whacked just on principle alone.

Ties, also, are a consideration.  Prints and designs, alluring though they may be, are rarely seen in the finer dens of iniquity.  Go solid, and go dark.  He may not be family, but Regis Philbin is onto something in this area.
 

Tony’s Tips: The Right Pair of Shoes, or How to Cement a Relationship…
While we’re on the subject of clothing, let’s talk about shoes.  Not yours, but your hit’s.
After years of sending stoolies to their untimely deaths, there’s one thing we figured out: If you’re going for the tried-and-true watery grave method, be sure to buy the right kind of cement.
While we do not endorse a particular brand, we do recommend that you avoid the ‘quick dry’ cement.  It seems like a good idea, in that it serves to aid your efforts to get your man overboard in a timely manner. But too often, the victim manages to wrangle out of his concrete bonds, because while there is an illusion of hardening on the surface, the cement is still moist and malleable underneath.

Buy the old fashioned concrete-style, and bide your time while it dries with some good old-fashioned antagonizing and torture. For further viewing on this subject, rent Reservoir Dogs or Billy Bathgate.  But, for Crissakes, fast forward to where they dump Bruce Willis in the river, then hit ‘eject’.  Somebody shoulda done gotten whacked for that movie.

Chapter 4: A Strong Front Will Cover Your Back
Anyone who has seen a mob movie can attest to the fact that there is no such thing as a ‘professional gangster’.  They’re all involved in legitimate businesses, so as to provide a front from the Feds.

Of course, most of these ‘fronts’ are fairly transparent: the olive oil business, nightclub owner, waste management, construction.  Please.  Fuhggetaboutit.

We recommend that new millennium mobsters try some more creative occupations that draw less attention to their actual source of income.  For example, how about a Don that is a temp during the day?  Not only is this a fairly innocuous job, but it allows one a flexible schedule for those days when a sudden sit-down is called.  Or how about ‘greeting card writer’?  Again, flexible hours, but with a public reputation for being soft and clever.  Mafiosos are typically men of few words…why not make some extra income with those words?  Finally, what about a side career with Outward Bound?  A company like this provides adventure for its employees, as they take corporate groups out for white water rafting, rappelling, and mountain climbing.  It may sound stupid, but what better way to ice that mealy mouthed executive who is 9K in the hole to you than to gently assist him off the face of Mount Baldy while in mid-hike?
 

Chapter 5: That Thing You Do
Narcotics, Gambling, Weapons.  Every mobster worth his salt has his specialty.  It’s important to align yourself with a family that shares your values.

If you are uncertain as to where the money and power are, think about the things people gravitate toward in their darkest hours, for these are the commodities in highest demand.

However, if you do decide to go for the fast buck, be careful or you’ll find yourself riding a wave that eventually turns to foam.

Here are some trends that presumably savvy families have gone broke trying
to cash in on:
*Tickle Me Elmos
*Y2K non-perishables
*”Phantom Menace” memorabilia
*Pokemon
*Macintosh computers
*Beta VCRs
*Wine coolers
*Garth Brooks’ “Chris Gaines” persona

Chapter 6: Talk the Talk

If you want the full glossary of wiseguy terms, you’ll have to purchase our book.  But in the meantime, here is our most valuable piece of advice on how to say what you say:

The key to being an aces wiseguy is to speak in vague terms.  The idea is that you can express exactly what you mean, without being so specific as to incriminate yourself.

Here are two examples of mob conversations.  The first is interpretive, the second has ‘Attica’ written all over it:

Vito:  Hey, Mikey, I did that thing we talked about.
Mikey:  That thing with that guy?
Vito:  No.  The thing at the place.
Mikey:  You did good.

As opposed to…

Vito:  Hey, Mikey, I whacked Tommy Vespucci good today.
Mikey:  You mean you killed him?
Vito:  Yes.  I killed him and I buried his body at road marker 24 on the turnpike.
Mikey:  Good.  No one will ever find him there!
Vito:  Yes…isn’t it fun to be member of an organized crime family, Mikey Barzini?
Mikey: You said it, Vito Salvatore!

Tony’s Tips: Silence = Power
Think about your favorite mob movie performances.  You’ll notice that the most indelible characters are usually the most powerful: Don Corleone in “The Godfather”, Pauly in “Goodfellas”, and so on.  You’ll also notice that the ones who always end up getting whacked during the movie (Tommy in “Goodfellas”, Fredo in “The Godfather 2”) are the ones with the biggest mouths.

A good gangster never need raise his voice to make a point.  The firm, almost hushed whisper can have the impact of The Sermon on the Mount if presented with directness.  On the other hand, ranting, while seemingly making you look like a loose cannon, only serves to undermine your credibility.  Sooner or later, someone’s gonna say, ‘he’s got a big mouth’, and they will shut it for you…most likely with the barrel of a .38 filling said big mouth.

We recommend you purchase the dramatic audio tape “Stella Adler’s Projection for the Stage”.  Though designed for theatrical actors, there is a delightful section on how to fill a room with a stage whisper that is actually quite effective during mob sit-downs, one-on-ones, and even in noisy pizza parlors.  This tape is available at most of your retail bookstores for $14.95.  Or you could always just steal it.
 

A Final Thought:
We hope you’ve enjoyed this ‘Antipasto Appetizer’ from our new book, “Wiseguys for Dummies”.

You should go buy it now.  We highly recommend you do so.  After all, you’ve got a nice family.  We’d hate to see something happen to them.

Just kidding, folks.  We’re just busting your balls a little.

But you probably should buy it.