Promises die as fast by the bassinet as on the Beltway. That said, here is a random list
of things I’ve learned over the last two years about parenting, as I leap
into round two of fatherhood with our new daughter Maggie:
*If you turn down the volume while
watching “Teletubbies” and put on your CD of
*If you use a viewing of “The Lion King” as your bartering tool, you can get a toddler to put in new hardwood floors for you. *When teaching your son tee-ball, never, regardless of his height, set the level of the ball in line with the level of your testicles. *When I look at a Jackson Pollack painting, I can now say, with first hand experience, “My two year old coulda done that!” *When your child becomes old enough to grasp the meaning and power of the word “No”, it is no longer just a word to him. It is a mantra. *Chasing your kid around the house yelling “TickleMonster! Gonna get you!” is fun. Chasing a stranger around the mall yelling “TickleMonster! Gonna get you!” is apparently a misdemeanor. *Even at the tender age of two, kids have the cognitive ability to question Carrot Top’s celebrity status. *The Diaper Genie is a much greater invention than the wheel. *A second mortgage is now required to purchase a pack of baseball cards for your kid. *There is an age when infants begin taking in everything they hear. This is the age where you stop watching Martin Scorsese movies in their presence. I thought Grady was in a pre-cognitive stage while watching “The Sopranos” one day, and for dinner, when I gave him a bowl full of Gerber’s ravioli, he said, “Where’s the f***ing ziti?” *There’s no explaining “Spongebob Squarepants” to grandparents. *Never underestimate a toddler’s seemingly random-like ability to strike the computer keys, Control, Alt, Delete while you are working on a precious document. It’s his revenge for that circumcision gig at the hospital. *If you buy ice cream to ‘share’ with your child know that the ‘sharing’ game apparently doesn’t encompass frozen dairy treats. * Toddlers are like little drunk people. *Good bedtime story: “Horton Hears a Who”. Bad Bedtime Story: “The Fountainhead” *Never let your child sip on your espresso. *Warm milk is a great way to soothe your child into sleepiness. A Nyquil Smoothie is even better… *If your parents give your kid some old-fashioned jacks to play with, your days of walking barefoot around your home are over. *Sleep is for wussies. *Never play a song for a kid that
you’re not prepared to hear 600 more times that day.
*When you go to Disneyland and are greeted by a costume character Mickey Mouse, you see him as a relished childhood icon. Your toddler sees him as an evil six foot rodent with freakishly big hands. *Even soup can be a finger food. *After witnessing childbirth, those challenges on “Fear Factor” don’t seem so bad. *If you show a two year old young Elvis and Vegas Elvis, most cannot tell it was the same guy. I think they are on to something. *Fatherhood really puts a dent in
your level of cynicism. But it’s worth the trade off…
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